My dad sent this to me. Usually his joke emails go immediately into the trash, but this is a very good description of my life right now.

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Dear Cats:

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish,nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this.

Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. Sticking your tails straight out to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom!

If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, jump up to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered.

Also, I have been using the bathroom for years — feline attendance is not required.

The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other cat’s butt. I cannot stress this enough.

Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:

TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT MY PETS:

1. They live here.. You don’t.
2. If you don’t want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture…That’s why they call it ‘fur’-niture.
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don’t speak clearly.

Remember, cats are better than kids because they:

1. eat less,
2. don’t ask for money all the time,
3. are easier to train (and they are CATS. That says something)
4. never ask to drive the car,
5. don’t smoke or drink,
6. don’t want to wear your clothes,
7. don’t have to buy the latest fashions,
8. don’t need a gazillion dollars for college and
9. if they get pregnant, you can sell their children

If you watched the Super Friends as a kid, then you know the Wonder Twins had a “blue space monkey” named Gleek. I have been looking for a stuffed blue monkey for months and finally found one while I was in Key West.

Here is Zan with Gleek. He carries it around like a kitten and grooms it. In this picture he squashes and suffocates it… but it is a well groomed dead blue monkey. Zan has been carrying Gleek around with him everywhere. Jayna, on the other hand, could care less.

Part of my Sunday morning ritual involves sipping a cup of coffee and going through PostSecret. I have been doing it for years. This morning there was an email comment to one of the posts that caught my eye, and for the first time I fellt the need to actually send something to PostSecret.

The comment said, “I don’t give money to homeless people if they have a dog.  How can you have a dog if you can’t even feed yourself?”

Here is what I sent to Frank at Post Secret:

During a routine trip to my vet a weeks ago I saw a donation box for http://www.petsofthehomeless.org in the lobby. I asked my vet about the organization and learned a few things.

Being homeless is frequently a temporary situation and not long them. People with pets sometimes have a harder time finding a home, because shelters and subsidized housing will not allow animals.

Homeless people are often the subject of scrutiny, jokes, and harassment and lack of understanding by those of us who have a home. The bond they feel with their animals is incredibly significant. According to Dr. Michael Lemm, “pets provide emotional support, companionship, so they can have a definitely more significant impact on the lives of their owner.”

Homeless people will frequently make sure their animals are fed before they eat themselves. They will also seek veterinary care for their animals before they seek health care for themselves.

I encourage your readers, especially the person who sent that email comment, to visit petsofthehomeless.org to learn more.

The website includes a Flickr feed with photos that I find both heartbreaking and amazing. Some of the pictures capture the unconditional love the people have for their pets, and animals have for their owners.

When I decided to leave my roommates and get an apartment on my own, we had just helped with the birth of six kittens. My roommates asked me to take some of them. At first I said no, and then I said I would take one, and then I (begrudgingly) broke down and agreed to take two.

Although I joke about them a lot, and have my own quirky sense of humor surrounding them (they have their own website and twitter feed), I am so happy that I have been adopted by Zan and Jayna. Becoming a pet owner at this stage of my life is one of the best things to happen to me.

so you are not groggy, and can fully appreciate us when you see this at 10:00 am.

Sometimes Miette Petite likes to take a break from the kittens to see what I am doing. Normally I don’t like showing myself on video, but this was just too cute.